


Didn't Bleed Out

by myboi



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Hospitals, Multi, Panic Attacks, Sadness, Seizures, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, graphic description of self harm, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5664601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myboi/pseuds/myboi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan had never actually tried to die. All his life he subconsciously took risks, maybe hoping the worst, maybe having no hope at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eager

**Author's Note:**

> This is seriously triggering. Stay safe.

Ryan had never actually tried to die. All his life he subconsciously took risks, maybe hoping the worst, maybe having no hope at all. Ryan Haywood used to let infections linger too long in his body before telling someone, or never looking before crossing the street. It was unnatural, really, the disregard he had for his own life, his own body. And because all the pent up caring had to go somewhere, it was focused on his 4 coworkers and best friends. Geoff, Gavin, Jack, and Michael had been friends with the disregarded man for many years, playing games and picking fights. It was only one year ago that they had all entered a polyamorous relationship with each other. The men were all gleefully gathered at an Italian style restaurant, celebrating the one year that may be the best any of them had ever had. It was at the exact moment when Geoff said drunkenly “I fucking LOVE all of you poor bastards.” that Ryan felt his nails pressing deep into his palms, begging for release that he knew blades would give. He wasn’t sure why at this moment his body had turned back into the self blood thirsty monster that it usually was much later on in the night. But he was a slave to his cravings. So he pulled himself back into reality from his own head, just as Gavin knocked over Michael’s beer whilst hugging him enthusiastically. 

“Gavin, you fuck! What the hell did you do?” 

“Oh no! Im so sorry, Micoo! It was an accident!”

“Yeah okay, fuckhead. Now I gotta go clean myself off. Anyone else have to go to the bathroom?”

Ryan saw this as an opportunity. 

“Yeah i gotta. You know wine just makes stuff run right through me” He said, holding up his empty wine glass and sloshing the small pool of red around, admiring it more than he should. He was closest to the window in the booth, so he had to bypass the two gents in order to make a beeline to the bathroom. He was itching for blood. He needed to feel pain and his heart pumping and the calm that slicing himself up would provide. He dug his nails in harder as the ginger at the end of the booth got up very slowly, then Geoff hastily and clumsily clambering out after him. When it was Ryan’s turn, he hopped up, and no hesitation ran after Michael. 

“He seemed rather eager, didn’t he then?” The British boy commented. 

“Man’s gotta shit.” Geoff said, shrugging his shoulders and raising his eyebrows as he greedily dug in to Michael’s unguarded plate of half-eaten spaghetti.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael entered the bathroom with a fiery haze around him. He was pissed at Gavin. It wasn’t a night ruiner, but it definitely was off putting. God, the brit could be so ignorant sometimes. He felt a swoosh of air as the door opened to the men’s bathroom, with one of Michael’s many lovers entering quickly. Ryan had chosen the 2nd stall and had locked the door behind him. Michael’s eyes followed not the man, but the path he took to the stall, where a single drop of blood lay pooled on the ground where it hadn’t been before the sandy haired man had swiftly entered the tiled room. 

“Hey Rye-Bread, you ok in there?”

The curious freckled boy asked. 

“Yup. Just taking a dump. Might want to evacuate beforehand, the smell might get REAL bad.”

Ryan had let out a hesitant chuckle.

“Ya see, it’s just that there is the appearance that you might be bleeding from somewhere in there, buddy.”

Ryan could feel the sting of the raw crescent indents he had previously made into the palms of his hand. One was still very slowly letting small drops out.

“Oh, yeah i had just picked a scab. Probably just that. I’m ok. Thanks for worrying, Michael.”

Ryan had gotten incredibly good at lying. He heard the sink turn on as Michael was wiping off his booze soaked shirt. He wasn’t sure if his little tall tale was believed, but it had stopped the conversation, and that was as good as anything. The sink turned off. 

“Hey dude, how much longer ya gonna be in there?”

Michael was kind of concerned, but still kinda just pissed off. 

“I don’t know, uh, give me 10 minutes.”

“K”

The lad walked out.

And finally, Ryan popped off his phone case. Inside the plastic and rubber was a bit of metal. He had gotten it from a small pencil sharpener a couple of days ago, and hadn’t used it yet. He eagerly pulled his pants down, looking at his marred thighs. He knew he had to be careful, which was not something the man usually did, as he had little resources: no bandages, makeshift stitches. He only had a blade and toilet paper. Ryan finally made the decision, quantity over quality. He would make many cuts that would stop bleeding quickly. He started with pressure, slow and delicate, perfect and straight. As he filled up his thighs, he found that on his other leg, he had gotten lost in the moment. He must have pressed too hard too many times, because for as few cuts as there were on his left, his thigh was a saturated red. He had lost track of the time, and was worried someone was suspicious. He would need to give stitches, and he was well versed in that practice. Now he just needed to stifle the wounds till he could get home.


	2. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Gavin find Ryan.

“God damnit that must be a painful shit”  
Jack said to the crowd.   
“Yeah his anus must be SORE”  
The brit chirped, happily bringing anus into any conversation.  
“I’m kinda worried. Has anyone noticed anything weird lately?”  
Michael added, looking down a bit. The guys all nodded, noting times when Ryan had been too quiet, or too snappy, too shy or even just too far away. Michael, sharing his weird experience from the bathroom, was getting increasingly concerned.  
“I’ll go check on him”   
Jack concluded, getting up from the table and leaving his lovers.   
“Me too”  
Gavin said, also getting up.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Hey Ry, it’s Jack. You ok?”  
“Yeah, love. ‘Avin a shit?”  
Ryan was in full fledge panic. His left leg was still bleeding. The toilet was full of blood soaked thin tissue, and it still wasn’t stopping. Ryan was getting nauseated, whether it was from the blood or blood loss, he couldn’t tell. He was getting super dizzy, concluding it was definitely blood loss. Ryan caught himself faint, making sure to unlock the stall door before he hit the ground so that his two mates could have easy access to the blacked out gent. Jack and Gavin heard a huge thump, and then the clink of metal hitting tile. Ryan’s hand fell under the stall wall, next to the blade. This gave Gavin and Jack the perfect view of his bloody hand and nail marks, as well as the blade that caused it.


	3. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are alerted of Ryan's critical mistake.

“Wot?”  
The blond was the first to speak. Blood was collected in the creases of the tiles and making a trail to the drain in the floor next to them. Slowly, like molasses. Jack was in a frenzy. He yelled at Gavin to go get Geoff and Michael. Gavin ran out to them and was stuttering incoherently. Geoff was paying the bill and Michael was looking rather bored, perking up when the blithering boy ran towards them.  
“'Scuse me miss”  
Gav said, slightly pushing the waitress off to the side.  
“We ‘ave a situation, lads. Bathroom, Ryan, blood”  
Gavin was out of breath and as soon as Michael heard the word “blood” he was running. The two men entered the bathroom with a thud. Jack had managed to pull the older man out of the stall, cradling him with wet eyes, while futilely applying pressure to his leg with just his hand.   
“Christ” and  
“What the fuck”’s were all exchanged as Geoff whipped out his phone and was calling for an ambulance. Michael was storming around, pacing nervously and Gavin was desperately trying to get Ryan to wake up, going even so far as to slap him smack across the face.   
“Ryan, Ry you have to wake up, you are getting so cold and your chest is not really moving and you need to move it, Ryan. If it moves you are breathing. Please move.”  
What started as coos left the British man broken down and pleading as he was talking to a pale, still body, only the blood was making him look even paler.  
“The blood won’t fucking stop”  
Jack hissing angrily. Michael had to step out of the bathroom as a copper smell infested his nose. Geoff gave the address and Gavin kept asking the still unmoving Ryan if he had meant to do it, and trying to persuade himself that it was an accident. The sirens were getting closer, and no one was talking except for Geoff who was on the phone, bawling. Ryan opened his eyes, which were clouded. Looking into Jack’s eyes without really seeing him, all he did was try to get up. This caused a very angry Jack to hold him down with little to no effort because Ryan was already weak. Jack whispered into his ear.  
“If you die, I’m going to fucking kill you.” And all Ryan could do is chuckle at the irony as he felt himself being hoisted up onto a stretcher.


	4. Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospitals and Lads.

Jack gave the waitress his phone number, telling her that because of the situation, they hadn’t had time to pay, and to call him so he could come back and pay tomorrow. The others were already in the car as a blood soaked Jack climbed in the van, and they took off towards the hospital. They got there, and the waiting room was soon filled with the four crying men. Geoff was called to reception to fill out insurance forms. Then Jack was called up to explain since he saw it happen and Gav was in no shape to talk. Gavin was blabbering nonstop. Asking Michael things like “Is he going to be ok?” And then never giving Michael enough time to answer before moving on. Jack was called back over to the lads to announce that Ryan would have to go in for surgery. He had burst an artery and had caused damage to his Femur. It was concern that the damage to the femur would cause major issues, since the femur generates the most bone marrow to your body and makes red and white blood cells. Also that there would be internal bleeding. This made Gavin cry even more, and Jack told Michael to just take him home and let Geoff and him figure it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was 12:23 am when Gavin and Michael got out of the Uber and walked into the house. Michael was a stern concrete statue. Hardly moving. Gavin had stopped panicking and was now numb, staring blankly.

“Sit down, buddy”

Michael was suddenly softer, trying to careen Gavin like a child.

“Do you want something to drink? Wanna play XBox? I’ll play minecraft with you.“

Michael desperately wanted Gavin to be okay. Gavin said nothing. Michael put a blanket around them as they both sat on the couch. Gavin had nuzzled his head on to Michael’s lap as Michael extended the recliner and turned off the lights. Just as Michael was falling asleep, Gavin was whimpering in his sleep.

Attuned to the boy’s feelings, the redhead quickly but gently woke him.

“What’s wrong, dude”

“Micoo, I had a dream we lost him, oh Micoo.”

Michael was now tracing circles on his back, comforting him, not remembering that that’s how Ryan calmed them all down when they had nightmares.

“We can’t lose him.”

Gavin finally said.

“I know”

Was all Michael replied with.


	5. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ride to see Ryan

Michael hadn’t slept well. He was stiff from being in the same position, and frankly just being stressed had taken a toll on the young man. Gavin was even more tangled up in the boy’s arms than when they had fallen asleep. The small, thin framed boy had his arms hastily wrapped around the other, engulfing him in a limp hug. There were many points when the curly haired man wanted to get up, but decided against it for the sake of the sleeping blond. He was forced to get up when his phone rang, which woke Gavin up. Michael, in full eagerness, sprinted to his phone which was on the kitchen table. 

“Hello?”

He questioned even though he knew it was Geoff.

“Michael, Ryan just got out of surgery.”

This made Michael wonder about the time, and pulling the phone away from his ear, he looked at the flashing small numbers at the top center of the screen. Seeing that it was only 4 am startled him.

Ryan had been in surgery for four hours, and it wasn’t even morning.

“Can we see him yet?”

“We can as soon as you douches get your sorry asses over here”

The usual spunk and sarcasm that the tattooed man usually had was exhausted, and it seemed like talking was a chore. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still in the clothes that they had on yesterday, and hair disheveled from sleep, Michael had just opened the door and Gavin wordlessly exited. 

“I was hoping last night was just a dream. I have so many questions, Micoo. And I’m so sad. But Ry is okay now? Right, boi? Our lovely little Ryan is going to be fine?”

Gavin was pleading desperately. He felt as if he was going to cry, his eyes burning. But he had no more tears left. So he wept dryly and softly.

“Gavo, I wish it was dream. God damn do I wish this whole thing was a dream. But obviously he’s not okay. He probably hasn’t been for a while and that hurts that we were so fucking clueless.

I’m so scared at what he’s feeling. I didn’t even know you could bleed out from your thigh. I still don’t know if he meant to do it that badly. And I’m terrified he is going to break up with us for not noticing.”

Michael verbally vomited his feelings, and his brain was still reeling. But as he connected the dots, lots more things made sense. Like how Ryan in all the time they’d been together, he never wanted to engage in sex. They all never pressured him. Maybe he just wasn’t a real sexual guy. Or maybe he wasn’t ready to take the next step. But no. It was because he had stupid fucking cuts all over him and he couldn’t bear to be seen naked. Michael knew how this works. He had traversed difficult plains before in his life. But the scars only resonated on his arms, he’d never cut anywhere else. And before he’d entered the relationship, he’d made sure to get tattoos to cover them up. 

So knowing exactly how Ryan felt made him shudder. This internal monologue happened in the car all the way to the hospital. Being 4 in the morning, the streets were fairly empty, so they got there relatively fast. Not once did Gavin interrupt the thought process. Gavin was looking down at his phone. Texting meaningless explanations to Burnie, even though Burnie all ready knew from what Jack or Geoff had told him, he let Gavin ramble on. Hoping that letting Gavin digest the situation would initiate a healing process. The realization hit him like a brick wall as he stared at the text he had just written before sending it.

“Ryan may have killed himself.”


	6. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin had forgotten to take his medication.

Gavin, shaking, hit send and the quickly turned off his phone. Sitting in the car in a hospital parking structure, Gavin Free started to panic. His heart started beating too fast. His blood was too hot in his body. He felt as if he was going to vomit. Wordlessly, he got out of the car. That’s when he started hyperventilating and convulsing. He felt every vertebrae in his back jump as if it had been electrified. He was squirming on the concrete. Michael was by his side now. When had he gotten there?

“Gavin David Free. I’m here right now, with you. In a parking structure in Austin, Texas. We are in America. You need to take a deep breath.”

Gavin had many panic attacks before. He took pills for them. And that helped. All of the boys were trained in helping the boy out of them, including soothing the dissociation that often came when the lad was trapped inside his own head. They got really bad when he started scratching at himself. Pulling off skin on his hands and arms. That’s when he went to a therapist. That's when he got pills. But the pills he was supposed to take 3 times a day for seizure-like episodes hadn’t been taken last night. In the confusion and frenzy of the hospital, the chemicals in the brit’s brain were intensified. 

He was still wriggling on the ground. His heart was beating at faster speeds than his brain could comprehend and everything was moving too fast. Then it wasn’t moving at all. 

“Shit”

He heard Michael say. Gavin knew he had hyperventilated too much. He had passed out and now all he could see was the scene that he saw before his brain gave up. This included the gray of the concrete all around him, and Michael’s face frozen in a concerned look. He knew he had passed out with his eyes open, because of the lack of blackness. He could clearly hear everything going on around him. Michael huffing and puffing and then the car door opening. For a second, the fainted man thought one of his lovers was going to get in the car and drive away. But as he felt himself blink and the vision of Michael changed to one of a hand in front of his face with a white pill being forcefully put into his mouth, Gavin sputtered.

“Micoo. It's over now. It’s passed.”

“Good. You never took your pill last night. That was one of the worst ones in a while. I'm glad you didn’t scratch. Do you you know where you are?”

Michael hoped that he wasn’t passed out long enough for the confusion stage. He really didn’t want to explain why they were at the hospital.

“Y…Yeah i think. Ryan?”

Gavin saw the man nod his head down. 

“Where did you get the bloody pill anyway?”

Gavin asked, dry swallowing it. 

“We all learned to have an extra bottle in both of the car’s glove boxes. For emergencies.”

“My bois are so smart.”

He said, getting up from hard ground and kissing Michael on the lips. Michael wrapped his arms around the brit’s torso and nuzzled into his neck. Hand in hand they walked into the hospital.


	7. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan wakes up.

In the waiting room, 3 floors up, were 4 tired men. At 5:30 am they were allowed to see the love of their lives. Each man walked into the sterile room. When Geoff walked in first, he gasped. Holding Michael’s hand as Michael walked in, the curly haired man sighed and released a pained expression. As Michael held Gavin as he walked in, the lad blinked away a tear. And as Jack walked in alone, he felt his knees buckle at the sight of a forlorn, paled man. Ryan’s hair was knotted and messy. The white and thin scratchy blanket was tucked in tight around his legs, and you could see the bandage lines. His left leg had more width to it, more bandages. The man was so frail. And a chorus of heavy breathing and sobs rang out.

“All you fuckers shut up”

Geoff said hurriedly. There was a disturbance in the bed. Ryan’s right arm was laced with tubes. You could see scars there too. They had never seen the man bare, for fear it would make him uncomfortable. And they never questioned why he wore long sleeves just because he always had. Ryan curled into as much of the fetal position as the IV and the thigh pain would allow. When he realized he could curl no further, he opened his eyes slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Wh-wa… What the fuck? Ow Jesus Christ. My head. What the hell are you all doing here”

“What we are DOING is trying to figure out what’s wrong with the one we love”

Geoff said sarcastically. He walked over by Ryan and laid his head on Ryan’s chest. 

“We love you so much and we have so many questions.”

The feeble, tattooed man whispered. Ryan let out an audible sigh. 

“Just be disgusted with me and break up with me already.”

He said. A single stinging tear bubbling up.

“James Ryan Haywood we would never.”

It was Michael who was speaking now.

“We want to know why, you mingy prick. Is it us?”

Gavin was hostile.

“Did you try to die to get away from us?”

“I never tried to die. And it certainly wasn’t because of any of you. You guys are probably the reason I haven’t tried. I just… Slipped up.”

Ryan was half sobbing, but trying to earn a smile.

“SLIPPED? Fucking slipped? Yeah, that’s what we almost did in YOUR blood!”

Jack was distressed. He was red in the face from both crying and anger. It wasn’t Ryan that he was angry at. It was himself for never checking up on the man who always checked up on them.

“Ryan you bursted an artery open. You damaged your femur, and they don’t know if its going to disable you. That’s not slipping. How long have you been doing this to yourself?” 

Geoff was mumbling into the 33 year old man’s hospital gown, his fingers completely entwined with the others. Ryan knew they wouldn’t believe the answer. 

“Since I was 12. I’ve slipped up only twice. Now 3. Only once before I ended up in the hospital. Funny though, my parents never looked as worried as you do. They just saw it as another bill to pay.”

“Oh Ry. That’s more than 20 years!”

Gavin was shaking. He was incredibly scared. 

“Ryan, you're really hot.”

“Well, thanks Geoff, but I’m not in a very seductive mood.”

“No, you are burning. Do you feel ok?”

Geoff was placing the back of his palm on Ryan’s forehead, pushing away small curls of hair.

“I feel fi-”


	8. Infection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion is broken.

None of them realized the heart monitor beeps until they sped up.

Ryan’s eyes rolled back into his head, and the convulsions started. Ryan started arching his back in all contortions, ripping some of the tubes out. The “beep…beep…beep” of the monitors changed to swift and short “beepbeepbeep”

“NURSE! SOMEONE, ANYONE GET A DOCTOR!”

Michael was screaming down the hallway. Ryan was still writhing on the bed, and blood had started to seep through the bandages from the sudden movements. From Gavin’s point of view, everything was happening in slow motion. The team of people who came in and were carrying large amounts of equipment. The shouts telling the nurses to hold him down. One of the nurses telling him to stop screaming and to look her in the eyes. Gavin didn’t even know he was screaming. Gavin being escorted out the room by Jack practically carrying him, prying his fingers into the door frame and hearing the words “Clear” and hearing what sounded like a stapler intensified by 100. More people in official attire were running down the hallway and Gavin was put into a chair in the common room, surrounded by Geoff and Jack and Michael who were trying to hold him down and make him calm. They couldn’t tell if he was having an attack, so they kept telling him were he was and that he was ok. Telling him to breathe. Gavin hadn’t realized he was even attacking until Michael was holding his hands and putting them on the arms of the chair. Michael’s hands had a glint of smeared blood and apparently Gavin had been scratching. Gavin still hadn’t registered the attack until it was too late, and his lungs burned and it was black. 

~~~~~~~~~~

“This is the second one today”

Michael was echoing and Gavin knew he had once again returned to limbo. 

“The first was in the parking structure”

“Did he take his pill?”

Geoff was far away sounding. He heard no response as his brain shut down.

Gavin woke with a start. His hands were bandaged up, and someone’s hands were through his hair. He was lost. He had gotten up, his heart pounding as he was unable to register his surroundings. Jack’s voice was behind him, causing him to whip around.

“Hey, hey. You are ok. You are in the hospital. Not because of you. Because you are okay.”

That was how Jack helped him. They all had different quirks to subdue Gavin, and Jack’s was making sure he never felt guilty. 

“Wot ‘appened”

Gavin’s accent was always thicker after he woke up. 

“You attacked. You’ve been out for three hours, because they had to sedate you. You fucked up your hands pretty bad this time. But you are ok.”

Jack was motioning for the boy to come sit on the love seat with him, back where he was when he woke. Gavin sat and Jack continued to run his fingers through his hair, and rubbing the well known circles on his back subconsciously. 

“The boys are in the cafeteria. I stayed here to talk to you when your confusion hit. Ryan had been very vulnerable to issue because of the lack of white blood cells. An infection entered his body and with nothing to fight it, gave him a seizure. He is ok. Sleeping, but the infection can be helped with just some IV fluids. He will be fine, but we can expect this a lot until his femur heals. The seizures might happen often.”

Jack caught Gavin up, and Gavin nodded softly.

“Can we go to the bois?”


	9. Blades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys really talk.

Gavin half sprinted into the cafeteria. He quickly found only one table was occupied, and he sat down next to his two other lovers. 

“Micoo! Geoff! Im okay. But im sorry.”

“Gav you know you never have to apologize.”

Michael was nuzzling the boy, craving his touch and feeling stressed out. Jack was sitting next to Geoff now.

“Guys we all need to talk.”

Came out of Geoff and everyone nodded.

“Twenty years. Motherfucker’s been cutting himself for twenty years. How did no one know this?”

Everyone shook their heads. 

“Does anyone know where he keeps the blades?”

Michael asked, then suddenly realizing it was a question with too much knowledge behind it.

“He had more than one? Did you know this was happening?”

Geoff gave Michael a disheartening look, and Michael got scared.

“Listen, Jersey was hell for me, and I had lots of rough times. So don’t be an asshole about it and let me help you fix this.” 

Michael spurted out very quickly. Geoff just stared at him and Jack held his hands from across the table. Gavin just held on to him tighter. 

“I only found one blade. It was next to him when he fell.”

Jack spoke.

“Ok, now we need to find the others. You either keep ‘em all in one place or you hide 'em everywhere.”

Feeling as if they had nothing to contribute, no one said anything.

“Ryan can come home in 3 days, assuming he’s well enough.”

Geoff said a couple minutes later. 48 hours for suicide watch. Plus a day for recovery. They would need to Ryan-proof the house till then. 

“Jack, this is a disturbing question, but did you take the blade?”

Michael needed to know where Ryan got it from. Quietly, Jack reached into his pocket and pulled it out. It was so small, how had it caused so much damage? But it was definitely from a pencil sharpener. And he shared that. Geoff looked away from the shiny metal that had a red tint to it. 

“Ok, now we know his resource. Jack, would you want to go home with me and help me find the rest?”

Jack nodded, then gave Geoff and Gav each a kiss before following Michael.


	10. Meantime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Michael search, Gavin and Geoff question.

When they got back to the house, the first place Michael went was the bathroom. He looked behind the toilet, and finding nothing, he scoffed. Jack was in the living room looking under the couch cushions. Michael was looking around at the first aid, frowning as he saw there were no more bandages when he had bought some no more than a week ago. He walked out and helped Jack look. After finding nothing in the living room, the pair sat at the kitchen table, feeling defeated. Michael anxiously ran his hands along the underside of the table.

“Maybe he didn’t have anymore. Maybe it wasn’t that bad.”

Jack suggested hopefully.

“Ow, fuck”

Michael quickly pulled his hand away from the table, one of his fingers bleeding. This was the side of the table were Ryan sat, and he looked under the table quickly. He found a blade, a little longer than his pinky, taped to the underside of the table. 

“Jesus Christ, Ryan”

Michael said, ripping off the blade and setting it down on the table. 

“Where did he even get that?”

Jack asked, shaking his head but eyes focused scared on the shiny metal.

“Im guessing he broke it off a box cutter. There are tons of those at the office.”

Michael said.

“Not that I’ve ever taken one! I promise, I stopped way before i met you guys! I’m ok!”

Michael added, as Jack gave him a worried look.

“Let’s check the bedroom”

Michael said, half because he knew one would be there and half because he wanted to distract Jack. When they got to the bedroom, Jack looked at the bookshelf, and Michael looked under the desk. 

“Found one”

They both said in unison, looking at each other.

“Yours?”

“In 'Catcher in the Rye’, yours?”

“Taped under the desk” 

Ryan must have known that no one would read that book. Michael grabbed a baggy and they continued searching.

~~~~~~~~~

Gavin was eating a pudding cup and sitting next to Geoff. Geoff was staring at his phone on the table.

“Geoff, love. They just left. You aren’t going to hear from them yet.”

Gavin said, trying to comfort him.

“Do you ever just feel like you have no idea what’s happening and that you’re completely oblivious to everything that happens to the people you care about?”

“Nope”

“Well that’s how I feel right now. And I’m fucking pissed.”

Gavin set down the pudding, and gave Geoff a big hug. Gavin was smelling him, taking in every scent Geoff had to offer. 

“We should go check on Ryan”

Was all Geoff said.


	11. Re-Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A discussion as Ryan wakes up.

Ryan was in room 25A, and was awake and sitting, drinking water when they walked in.

“Ryan! You’re ok!”

Gavin said throwing his arms gently around him.

“I was told my conditions. And I’m really sorry for all the trouble I caused.”

Ryan said. He wished he had died during that, still sure he was going to be broken up with.

“Ryan we are going to get you help and we we are to heal you up.” 

Geoff said, adding that they would be with him in the healing process every step of the way.

“We love you so much, Ryan. And we never want you to hurt yourself ever again”

Gavin exclaimed.

“God, I love you all so much.”

Ryan said, meaning it entirely. Geoff was at his bedside, and they were both holding one of the ill man’s hands. 

“Promise you won’t cut again”

Gavin innocently said, unknowing of how hard of promise that was to make, and ignorant of the process.

“I…can’t”

Ryan replied, a knot binding in his stomach. Gavin raised his head, offended. That was not the response he expected to hear. 

“Do you not WANT to get better?”

Geoff chimed in.

“No, that’s not it. Its just that… Well, I’ve been doing it for so long, I don’t think I CAN get better. I need it.”

“You don’t need it as much as we need you.”

Gavin said, Geoff agreeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gavin and Geoff heard a knock at the door. Ryan was sleeping again, and the men just watched over him.

They stepped outside the room, seeing Jack and Michael. 

“We found them all.”

Michael said hesitantly.

“There were 17 of them.”

Jack added, really quietly.

“Bloody hell”

“Oh my god”

Jack pulled the bag out from his pocket, revealing many sharp metals and shrapnel, each just as blood soaked as the others.

“This has to stop” 

Geoff said, stunned by the amount of different sizes of blades.


	12. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing, but not for long.

The three days at the hospital passed slowly. Each day had it’s own amounts of persuading Ryan to want help and it’s own seizures. And when Ryan was able to go home, the boys were well trained in how to take care of the man. They were given syringes full of paralysis, for the seizures, and numbers to a psychologist who made home visits. Ryan couldn’t walk, so a system was arranged. And all sharp objects were removed from the house. So they got him home and helped him heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been about 3 weeks after the incident. Ryan was still healing physically, and still couldn’t walk, but he was back at work, because he could sit. He was still as hilarious as ever in videos, and the fans were oblivious. He hadn’t hurt himself at all since then, mainly because he couldn’t go to the bathroom or shower on his own and so every day his naked body was exposed to someone. All of the guys had gotten used to a beautiful body covered in scars, and it wasn’t as disturbing as it first was. But then came a relapse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan had been close to relapse long ago, if fact he would have probably relapsed already if it hadn’t been for the current situation. But as he was starting physical therapy and being able to walk and shower on his own, he came closer. He searched for his blades before. He’s never found them, and he’s never brought it up. But he knew that there was one spot where no one had probably known about, and that spot yearned to him. Finally, around 1 am, he couldn’t take it anymore. Ryan went straight to the bathroom where one tile was slightly askew, and pried his fingers under it. There it was, shiny and perfect under the fluorescent lights. Bringing it to his arm, he began his long awaited ritual. He started with pressure, slow and delicate, perfect and straight. It stung and he hated it. But he needed it. After filling up his right arm, he felt satisfied and put the blade back in it’s hiding spot. He was able to sleep soundly.


	13. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys find out.

It was morning, and he was up as normal to go to work. He decided to skip his meds today, quickly falling back into his risk-taking habits. His seizures were minimal now. So he figured he wouldn’t need the seizure medication. Ryan was sitting on the couch, cuddling with Geoff as they ate cereal. Ryan’s head was on Geoff’s shoulder, in the crook of his neck. 

“Ryan. You okay, buddy?”

“I’m great. Why?”

“Because you’re shaking, and you are hot.”

This was the cue that whoever around them would go and get the syringe, and this time it was Michael. Jack was in the shower and Gavin was making his tea in the kitchen. As soon as Michael got the needle, Ryan’s eyes rolled back and the shaking got more violent. Michael lifted up his shirt sleeve to inject it in his elbow crease, and stared blankly at his arm while Geoff held him down.

“What are you waiting for? He’s getting worse, Michael!”

And quickly Michael plunged it into Ryan’s elbow. 

“Geoff”

“What?”

The gent said, out of breath as the man stopped wriggling slowly. Michael held up Ryan’s arm to face Geoff. Geoff gasped, surprised at the sudden attack. 

“He was… But… No he was getting so much better.”

Geoff said, sadly.

Gavin came into the living room from the kitchen. He was making sure Ryan was ok, because the noise he heard in the kitchen was enough to tell him Ryan seized. The brit was not prepared for the battlefield of scratches that was displayed in front of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

No one went to work that day. The all awaited anxiously for the sedative to wear off. As Ryan groaned, the men all watched him wake. 

“Where’s the fucking blade, Haywood?”

Geoff said, frightening the sandy haired man. Ryan stared blankly. 

“I said where is the FUCKING BLADE, James.”

Ryan followed Geoff’s gaze to the rolled up sleeve and the chorus of slashes that greedily coated his arm.

“I-It was only one time! I promise I’m fine!”

Jack stood up now, telling Geoff to step off.

“Ryan, If you are so 'fine’ then you don’t need the blade. Just tell us where it is.”

“You can’t take it from me! I need it. You guys took all of them away from me and I have nothing and I’m sorry but I need it!”

Ryan was sobbing. Gavin took him into his arms as the man kept breathing out the words “I need it”. Geoff was running his fingers through his hair and sighing heavily. Michael went up behind him and started nuzzling into his neck. Gavin nursed Ryan, telling him he didn’t need it, and that he was ok. Jack reassured Geoff that relapses were supposed to happen, and it wouldn’t stifle their progress. When Ryan stopped crying, he pulled Gavin in very close, whispering the exact location of the blade directly into his ear with the malicious intent of threatening the impressionable brit, but promising that if it was gone, so was Ryan. Gavin started crying. Jack grabbed Gavin, noticing the whispers. They went into the bathroom to talk, and Jack just said

“Did he tell you where it was?”

And Gavin just replied with

“Mmhmm”

“Well where is it?”

Gavin’s eyes were focused on the misplaced tile, and Jack was trying to talk to him.

“I can’t tell”

This left Jack surprised. Gavin was growing more and more upset, and to prevent an anxiety attack, Jack just said okay, but followed his eyes to the misplaced tile. Jack bent down and picked up the tile, finding what he kinda didn’t and kinda did want to find.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking at it made him sick. Jack angrily walked over to where everyone was still gathered and threw the blade at the coffee table for all to see. This made Ryan sob even harder, and made Geoff look contently at it. Michael just sighed.

“I’m calling Doctor Hon” 

Was all Geoff said before leaving the room. Dr. Hon always did emergency visits, and would be over in 20 minutes.


	14. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan heals.

That was his only relapse. 2 years later he sits at their pool, shirtless, wearing swim shorts. The scars are always the hardest part, and knowing this, they all catch him staring at the different marks. Surrounded in hugs, Ryan Haywood is now being kissed and being told how handsome and perfect he looks and all he can think is that he is glad he didn’t bleed out.


End file.
